No idea how we got on this subject...

Me: I plan on having kids at 26, 30, or 34.
Him: Why's that?
Me: Because that way they'll turn 18 in an election year and they can vote.
Him: ...
Me: Why are you looking at me like I'm crazy?
Him: ...
Me: Stop looking at me like that.
Him: ...
Me: Stop!
Him: ... You are so weird.

The boyfriend is always the #1 suspect.

Me: You know, if I were to go missing, you'd be the primary suspect.
Him: ... WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
It was just something I thought to myself when I took the hair tie out and let a few hairs fall on the seat of his car. My DNA is all over his life at this point. His car, his clothes, his house, our work... My dad is in law enforcement; I have a tendency to look at the world a little differently than everyone else.

After I explain the concept of "mudblood" to the boyfriend, the following happens:

Him: So how is Hermione so good if she isn't real?
Me: HERMIONE IS REAL!
Him: ...
Me: I mean, in the book. She's real in the book. I know the difference between fantasy and reality.
Him: ...
Me: [laughing so hard that my face is as red as my hair] Shut up.
He was just trying to ask how Hermione was such a talented witch if she didn't come from a wizarding family and I knew that, but, damn, my response was defensive and took it to a whole other level. I am such a nerd.

I hate when he's right

Me: I was really pissed at you last night, you know.
Him: I know. I was pissed at you too.
Me: Good, glad we're all clear on that.
Him: I was proud of you, though.
Me: What for?
Him: Not taking any shit. You're learning the difference between fun shit and real shit and when to stick up for yourself. That 'fuck you' was good.
Me: Uh, thanks? I wish you wouldn't give me actual shit to begin with, but ok.
Him: You have to learn to deal with it.
Me: I know how to deal with it.
Him: No, you don't know how to deal with it yet. You're still learning.
Me: Ugh, fine, quit being such a condescending dick right now.
Him: *pulls me closer on the bed* Ok.
Damn him for being so freaking observant and knowing me so damn well. Standing up for myself in a relationship is not something I'm good at because I've never had much practice with it. There's such a steep learning curve on this whole thing for me. I'm still afraid to really fight with him. I am too nice and too understanding sometimes. But I'm getting a little bit meaner and a lot more honest about how I'm really feeling. I'm sure he'll give me plenty more opportunities to perfect these skills. It's almost fun to fight with him sometimes.

I like this boy. I'm not sure why sometimes.

In the midst of getting very, ahem, physical after discussing the reasons we cannot date (I like him, he loves someone else), this happens.
Boy: Watch, we end up getting married. At least we know we'd have lots of sex. You'd have to get your tubes tied.
Me: Fuck that, I want kids.
Boy: Ugh, how many?
Me: Two.
Boy: Fine. Then you're getting your tubes tied.
Me: No vasectomy for you?
Boy: Fuck no.
Me: So I'm the only one getting sterilized in this hypothetical?
Boy: Pretty much.
Me: Ass.
We're ending this thing soon. Supposedly.

I go to school in San Francisco. It's full of hipsters.

Katie: Girls whose thighs don't touch when they walk look like baby giraffes.
Me: Every day is like a safari at my school.

He still won't play fair, but I don't mind <3

Me: Totally just got mocked for having a copy of the Constitution on my iPod. Some people don't know the meaning of cool. P.S. I hope this doesn't wake you.
Him: You didn't wake me, and even if you did, it would be pleasant waking up to you.

Jenny: I suppose you think I'm a ruined woman.
Headmistress: Ha. You're not a woman.