It was a really yummy cupcake. Entirely homemade. She didn’t even use a box mix or canned icing!

(My managers sometimes don’t understand that being 5’2” and 115 pounds limits what I can conceivably do. I got so overwhelmed with what I was asked to do today that I actually cried on my lunch break. It was pretty pathetic.)

Here is what my week will look like for the rest of the semester:

Sunday: Work 10-7, homework 

Monday: Babysit 10-2, class 4-7

Tuesday: Class 11-6:15, homework

Wednesday: Babysit 10-2, homework day

Thursday: Class 11-6:15, homework

Friday: Babysit 10-2, work 3-12

Saturday: Work 11-8, homework 

REPEAT. 

I’ve only just started it, but it’s tiring. Mentally, I am drained from school. Physically, I am drained from work and lack of sleep. Emotionally, I am drained because that’s a very isolating schedule. I’ll see my bf and some of my friends at work, but outside of work? I have no time to see them. I have friends I haven’t seen in MONTHS, some that I haven’t seen in nearly a YEAR. Today my doctor told me I should take up yoga to help correct my posture, but I HAVE NO TIME. I want to get back to running, I want to take a yoga class, but, fuck, WHEN? 

I was nearly in tears today because I was just tired. I was tired and I was tired of dealing with stupid people. There was no respite today. Stupid grape sale, stupid boyfriend being called in early, stupid pms-ing.

I really just need a hug. A hug and his arm around me while I sleep. I didn’t realize how accustomed I grew to sharing a bed until this past week. I miss it. Ugh, I am gross.  

The upside of all of this is, “OMG, I HAVE MONEY!” Like, I will actually have SAVINGS this year which is a concept that I just laughed at the past couple of years because what money? And my grades will be kickass. I hope. I am using my planner like it’s… a thing that you use a lot. Well, that metaphor went no where, but you know what I mean. Also, what with doing all my homework and really concentrating on my classes (almost all of them for my French major), I should be way more at ease and SKILLED with French by the end of the semester. I mean, after 4 years in France and growing up with a French-speaking father, I speak it well enough, but I want to be able to teach it to my kids, to speak it as easily and as well as I speak English. Right now, that’s not the case. This year should change that.

Our national security is in good hands.

belongingness:

Strengths:

• Warmly concerned and caring towards others
• Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
• Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
• Deep capacity for love and caring
• Driven to meet other’s needs
• Strive for “win-win” situations
• Nurturing, supportive and encouraging
• Likely to recognize and appreciate other’s need for space
• Able to express themselves well
• Flexible and diverse

Weaknesses:

• May tend to be shy and reserved
• Don’t like to have their “space” invaded
• Extreme dislike of conflict
• Extreme dislike of criticism
• Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
• May react very emotionally to stressful situations
• Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
• Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
• Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
• Perfectionistic tendencies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
• Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders

Ahahahahaha, my god, this is so accurate. 

(Source: personalitypage.com)

After all this time?

Always.

… Damn it.

He asked me that yesterday when he was driving me home. It caught me off guard. No, I don’t think we’re boring. And then I panicked. Wait, does he think we’re boring? I asked him. No, he doesn’t. (I asked him again 12 hours later just to make sure.)

So, why do you ask that? Someone said we were. Who? I don’t remember. Liar. Who? Jeff. He said we were very black and white as a couple. What did he mean by that? That we’re predictable.

Maybe we are a little predictable. Maybe we look a little boring to other people. Neither of us has a whole lot of money to go places and he doesn’t have a whole lot of time either just now, so we mostly end up just chilling at home. I don’t mind that. I like going out and I would like to do more with him—museums, movies, the zoo, the park, dinner, whatever—but I’m also happy to to stay in. Spending the morning in bed, watching him cook for me, and talking shit to him or just reading while he plays video games is fun. I like it. I like just being with him, so it really doesn’t matter what we’re doing. 

Besides, what’s so bad about predictability? I’m pretty much a homebody at heart. For all that I like travel and moved a lot growing up, all I want in life is a stable home. And I’ve seen some of the relationships our friends have, that some of my friends have had throughout the years— breaking up and getting back together every few months, loud, angry fights, and a week of silence afterwards. I don’t want that.  So predictable is fine with me, thank you very much. Surprise me every once in a while, but for the day-to-day of it all, I want someone I can count on. It’s not boring, it’s safe.

1. Frenchie (boyfriend started this one a long time ago and calls me this almost exclusively)

2. Bachman (inadvertent basterdization of my actual last name that everyone loved and never stopped using.)

3. Kid (as in Kidman because my name is Nicole and the wine guy at work thinks I’m pretty)

4. Nick-Nick (boyfriend’s nickname for me when he wants to be annoying)

5. Nicolean Dynamite (my manager is weird)

6. Ni (like the knights who say Ni)

7. Flea (because I explained to Jeff that the French term of endearment “ma puce” means my flea and he thought it was hilarious)

8. Nicki (uninspired compared to the rest, but I only let one person call me this) 

9. Wee (another nickname the boyfriend gave me, this one because I’m French and he can’t spell “oui” and because he thinks it fits me really well when I’m being ditzy/spacey/incompetent)

Basically, it’s now weird for me to hear anyone at work call me Nicole. It’s especially weird when my boyfriend calls me Nicole. Are you mad at me? Did I do something? Are you upset? What’s wrong? 

I’m banned from two of my favorite things for the next month or so. See, I’ve had this really annoying eczema on my eyelids for the past few months. Kind of painful, very red, and recently starting to spread. I finally asked a doctor about and she suggested that I try a gluten-free diet for the next couple of months. Apparently, too much gluten is a trigger for eczema in people with a gluten intolerance. I had no idea I had a gluten intolerance, but it makes so much sense. I have been eating way more bread and gluten-y things since the beginning of the year which around when this started. Plus, my little brother has the same problem. 

So for the next little while, I’m watching my gluten intake. I’m not cutting it out completely because, fuck, I do not have that much willpower. I’m just cutting waaaay back. I’ll definitely miss the pizza and the beer and the bread and the waffles and the pasta and the pretzels and the chips and—wow, cutting down on gluten is going to be super healthy. Maybe I’ll lose a few pounds along the way. Most importantly, though, if I can finally get rid of this damn redness on my eyelids, it will definitely be worth it.

The book not the movie. If you own a copy with notes in the margins and a hundred different passages highlighted and underlined because you “identify with The Narrator,” you should probably seek help. I’m just saying.